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How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
I have something I tell my kids when we talk about money and what other people have:
We live better today than the wealthiest person in the world did 100 years ago.
Think about it.
That person may have had a mansion. Servants. Land. More possessions than almost anyone alive.
But we have antibiotics.
Modern dentistry.
Air conditioning.
Refrigeration.
Cars that start every morning.
Instant communication with almost anyone in the world.
Nearly every song ever recorded, every book ever written, and more information than a great library could hold sitting in our pockets.
Society has advanced so much that an ordinary life today contains things kings and industrialists couldn't have imagined.
And somehow, surrounded by all of that, we can still look across the street—or at Instagram—and think:
Why don't I have what they have?
I've started to think there's a better rule for comparison.
If you're going to compare your life to someone else's, you have to be willing to trade your entire life for theirs.
Not just their house.
Not their income.
Not their vacations, career, body, car, business, or boat.
Everything.
Their relationships.
Their health.
Their childhood.
Their problems.
Their responsibilities.
Their fears.
Their family.
Their stress.
Their Tuesday afternoon.
You don't get to cherry-pick the part you envy.
A Simple Way to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
A lot of comparison is really comparison of material things.
Someone has a bigger house.
A nicer car.
More money.
Better clothes.
Okay.
But I think the more interesting question is:
What do you believe those things are going to give you?
There is nothing wrong with wanting nice things. I like nice things.
But having more and living better aren't necessarily the same thing.
Brunello Cucinelli is especially interesting to me on this subject because he's not someone who failed at the material game.
He's a billionaire.
Someone who can afford almost anything.
And yet, this is his perspective:
“There are three things you cannot buy. Fitness: You have to keep fit, whether you're rich or not. Diet: You cannot pay someone to be on a diet for you. Soul: No one can possibly treat your soul but yourself.”
I love that precisely because it's coming from a billionaire.
Someone who has essentially won the material game is telling you that some of the most important things in life still cannot be purchased.
Or outsourced.
You still have to build them yourself.
A Simple Comparison Reset
Health might be the biggest thing we take for granted.
We assume it will still be there later.
That there will be another summer. Another trip. Another chance to do the thing we’ve been putting off.
My mom called me recently after finding out that her younger brother had been diagnosed with a rare form of heart cancer.
It hit her hard.
Her brother and his wife had spent years waiting to travel. His mother—my grandmother—lived to 91, and they kept waiting for her health to improve before they started taking the trips they wanted to take.
But she never really got healthier.
So they waited.
Then she died.
And only about a year later, both of them were dealing with serious health problems of their own.
I asked my mom, “So what’s the lesson?”
She didn’t hesitate.
“You have to live your life.”
That landed.
Because comparison has a way of making us believe that life starts later.
When we have more money.
When the kids are older.
When work settles down.
When somebody gets healthier.
When everything finally lines up.
But sometimes it never lines up.
That’s why health is such an important frame of reference.
Try doing anything when you’re truly sick.
Suddenly the bigger house doesn’t matter.
The nicer car doesn’t matter.
What somebody else has doesn’t matter.
You just want to feel normal again.
So when you catch yourself comparing your life to someone else’s, ask:
- Did I wake up with my health?
- Am I safe?
- Do I know where my next meal is coming from?
- Do I have a roof over my head?
- Are there people who love me?
- Do I have people I love?
- Am I connected to my family, friends, or community?
- Is there something I keep postponing that I could actually do now?
If the answer to most of those questions is yes, that’s a pretty remarkable starting point for a life.
It’s also why I keep coming back to the idea of enjoying the life you have.
You can still want more.
You can still build and improve and strive.
Just don’t spend so much time waiting for the next version of your life that you miss this one.
You have to live your life.
You Have to Count the Trade-Offs
There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve your life.
Earn more money.
Build something.
Travel.
Get stronger.
Buy the house you want.
Go after it.
But don't compare the visible benefit of somebody else's choices while ignoring everything it may have cost them to get there.
More money may have required more hours.
A successful business may have required years of uncertainty.
A beautiful house may come with a giant mortgage.
I've written before about living well within our means because having enough margin in your life can matter more than looking wealthy from the outside.
A prestigious career may come with stress you would hate.
And sometimes you simply have no idea what somebody else is carrying.
That's why comparison is usually a rigged game.
You're comparing one visible piece of their life against the entirety of yours.
Instead, focus on the parts of life you can actually make better.
Your health.
Your relationships.
Your family.
Your community.
Your work.
Your time.
Your sense of purpose.
Your ability to enjoy an ordinary day.
Build those.
Because the goal isn't to build a life that looks impressive to somebody else.
It's to build a life you wouldn't trade away.
“Know what’s enough. Build what matters.”
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